This was a horrible night for writing.
I hate it when personal bullshit gets in the way of my productivity. I have a hard enough time keeping it up without all the "insanity" derailing my focus.
In all honesty, it's my own fault for letting my previous relationship intrude on writing night and I should really be more strict with myself when the warning signs appear, signs which are as clear as the sender's name on an email. "Thoughts" was the subject line. Jesus. (Sorry, Jesus, but man...!) I should have let that thing lie until the weekend, or better yet delete it, but I opened it and got caught up in some residual relationship goo that I thought I was well past now.
On one level it's kind of funny, but on another level it's kind of sad and frustrating. The hyper-condensed version is that I didn't go to a party where I knew my ex-girlfriend would be and now she has blown it up inside her mind that I am an emotional cripple and she his the cause. The worst, the absolute worst thing about all that is that she thinks that I need her advice and her perspective to put my life back on track. Please. Things are on track for me just fine, honey. They're not turning out the way you might approve, but you lost that right the day you gave up on me.
There's so much I could get into here but I don't want to dilute the purpose of this place. I come here to talk about writing and maybe a few unrelated yet important matters. What I don't want it to become another little soapbox on the web where someone whines about their day. There's enough of that crap on the internet as it is. It's one thing to feel stuff deeply, but it's wholly another let yourself drown in it which is something I have all too much experience in. A man cannot wallow in self-reproach, guilt, unrequited love, lost love, abandonment or loneliness. He must let these things pass through him, not get trapped inside. If they get trapped inside him, he gets too full and he sinks.
I am through bailing water.
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